I’m surrounded by so many emotions and it feels like they’re all competing for a chance to take hold of me. Things are going so well for me right now, and I don’t think I’m fully experiencing these moments as I should. Someone has come into my life that I know I am not good enough for. I’m very worried about them finding out more about me and realizing that I’m not worth it. So many factors pointing towards unhappiness, and yet here Iie in bed content, I feel what I think is a muted form of happiness. Very weird. Unhealthy I’m sure. I need to sleep.
It’s astonishing that I thought you’d be different, better. Maybe more interesting, tolerable. Something. You bore me. You’re rude. I’m so sick of you that when I see an incoming call or text from you, my heart drops. The worst part is you have no idea of how sad you make me. You’re too dull to pick up anything, even when I’m crying and telling you I’m unhappy. No, I don’t enjoy your company. I haven’t for a very long time, but I was under the impression that this is just how my life is supposed to be. Unhappy and dealing with your lack of kindness and consideration. I needed you when I was 15, but we’re beating a dead horse and you’re too stupid to see it.
I see now what I’ve always seen, I just tried to justify it for a very long time. I see now that I can no longer do this to myself.